Kirsi
Angel
Joined: 09 Jan 2007
Posts: 35
Location: Finland
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 Posted: Wed Jan 10, 2007 3:33 pm Post subject: A Gentle Haunting (BtVS/Tara) |
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I wanted to write about some more "minor" character, and Tara was perfect for that. This is my personal favourite of my fics, together with the Spuffy one. I have perhaps taken the lyrical style into extreme here, but I think it works quite well in the end.
***
Here I lay, at the shade of green leaves, with the heavy scent of earth surrounding me like the softest of cloths. It's all light and clear for me now, and there is no suffering or discomfort in my grave.
How did it happen - how did I end up here? I wish I could remember, but I don't. There was a flash of light from the window and an ugly noise, and then a sudden and piercing pain in my chest. And I saw her horrified face above the red spatters of blood on her shirt, and I loved her so, and then – then there was nothing. Just silence and emptiness, and a white light behind the murky clouds.
And now I sleep a dreamless sleep, so thick and soft and gentle. Gentle like you, I sometimes hear a sweet voice whispering to me, and it feels like something fair and silky is brushing through my essence then. I am not alone, yet all there is is solitude and I am no more.
***
It wasn't always like this. At first I was scared and lost. I could not rest because the surges of Willow's rage and hatred were flushing through me like diseased seawater, acid and foul. I was just a ball of sorrow and anguish then, and I wanted to scream at her to stop. Did she not feel how her rage made me wither away? It was like a black hand choking me beyond the grave and pulling me into darkness that I did not belong to.
It is your fault, a hoarse voice, hollow like an endless void rang in my ears. You should have stayed with her. You are to blame. And I wanted to say that I knew it already, and had I been given the choice, I would never have left by her side. But the voice was cruel and ruthless, and it told me the truth: I had already done it once. You left her because you were afraid, because you were weak. You were afraid of her power; you knew you were no match for her. You have always been a coward and a weakling, Tara. You always were nothing.
Was it real? I couldn't tell in that cold and lonely place I was in. I remembered all those times when people looked past me without really seeing me at all. I remembered all those times when I was the one hearing the secrets of their hearts without being asked to share my own. But it was different with Willow. She never looked through me, and she always saw more than just her own reflection from my face and from my heart. She made me feel special and loved, and that was something I desperately tried to hang on to while the storm clouds of her darkest magic filled the sky.
I would have done anything to help her then, but I could not cross over and tell her how everything was fine, and how it was only her hatred and wrath that kept me from finding peace. It was her search for vengeance and torment that made me wander alone in the cold, without shelter and safety. I was tied to that fury, I was the cause of it – or so I thought as guilt and sorrow raged around me in the blackness of eternal night.
***
When the silence came at first I thought it was only the eye of the storm, and I was more scared than ever. But the clouds gave way to the sun and the winds subsided around me, and I knew it was all over. When I saw the sky, it was purple and gold, and a tender rain, clear like a mountain brook, fell on my shoulders. I heard the sweet whisper for the first time – it chimed like copper and jingled like brass, and it told me to rest and let go. She is safe now. Cruelty and anger can touch her no more. It was never your fault. An ugly hand has desecrated you both, but it's over now. It is time to let go. It is time to rest, my sweet Tara.
So I slept a dreamless sleep, and I still do. There is life and beauty all around me, fragile beauty of all existence I never noticed while alive. I am a part of it, and at the same time I am no more. I can see the sun setting behind the distant hills. I can hear the bird song echoing sadly into the night. I can scent the secret flowers that only bloom when the world is asleep and a pale moon casts its cloak upon the head-stones of my resting place.
I have seen them all visiting my grave. Little Dawn with tears in her eyes, laying roses on my earthly bedstead, missing her mother as she misses me. Buffy so sad and distressed, but starting to forget what I looked like, and still holding on to the secrets she once confided in my patient care. Anya and Xander, ever bickering but quietly remembering some happier days when they still had dreams together, and I was there on the background of their lives, not really seen but not really ignored either.
And I have seen Willow, too. I saw her penance and longing, and I wanted to wipe all that from her brow with one gentle kiss. But I am not allowed to pass, not even for one last kiss of consolation and care. She must make it on her own, and I know she will. My love will always be there to protect her, even when she starts to forget – and I know she will. Years will pass, lovers will come and go, and in the end I will be just a bitter-sweet memory: A passing scent, a distant melody with words long forgotten. But I will be there, a gentle haunting guarding her steps and guiding her hand in magic. She may forget, but I never will.
My family hasn't come, though. I have been waiting in vain for their tears and regret, for someone to say goodbye to. I am dead now, but more so are their hearts. To close one's mind from all beauty and warmth is worse than death, but it is something they will never realise. It was my destiny to pass through their lives like a shadow and not let their depravity taint my heart.
I will wait for them to come, maybe someday one of them will. Time is all I have left now, with patience and understanding. How could I hate them in their blind ignorance? Once I tried to cover my face and withdraw in shame and disgrace because of their lies, but I can see more clearly now. People hate what they cannot understand. It is the way of the world, and it is not my world any more.
***
So here I lay, the air sparkling like sea of diamonds, and my bed so soft and lush to rest in at. But I can see the clouds sailing through the heavens like vessels of an upcoming war, and the wind in the willows whispers to me about a darkness about to rise. I can feel it, too, just a delicate fissure in the fabric of the earth, a honeycomb about to crumble somewhere deep down below me. The ground is about to burst into blood, and this darkness is not for me to encounter.
My place is elsewhere, I know it now. I have an eternity ahead of me, and the tender voices are calling me home. Is it sadness and longing that I feel now? Does it pain me to give up the remnants of my past life? For it is not a goodbye I'm about utter. A part of me will always stay here, I won't be gone no more than I am present now.
One more sunrise, one more shower of morning dew. And then – goodbye. A blessing I will become, a breath so frail – like a touch of an invisible angel to guide the ones I love.
The End
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